Mastering Simplicity

Searching...

2012-02-03T06:53:00.004-05:00

I promised myself that even though I wasn't able to do some of the things that I wanted to start this 2012 when the insanity hit our lives in January, that I would at least focus on being the wife and friend that I want and need to be, not the self-serving heart and mind of the people involved in this "insane episode of life." As usual, I tried to control everything around my decision instead of following the simple route. As usual, I struggled. Then, I talked with my cousin on Facebook. Something as simple as our brief typed words to one another from here in North Carolina to there in Mississippi, something that took about 10 minutes of my "down time," and I had an epiphany. She doesn't try to control it, she allows God to control it.

So, this morning I woke up, and I searched online for a bible study to follow, and I found the Proverbs31.org website. Talk about a wow moment! Guess what today's topic was about? Just guess!! Yep, it was about choosing NOT to be offended by other people's words, and focusing on God's wishes to not be offended by the words of others, to not allow anger to guide us and to treat others as he would want us to, as we would like to be treated.

"A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." Proverbs 19:11 (NIV)

That was the verse that Wendy Blight started the devotion with, and wow, what a devotion. You can read it here
I hope you get as much WOW as I did when I read it. I followed the post to another website here. This is Wendy Blight's Living Truth website. I read further and was floored. I was so worried about how to help my husband deal with what others thought, and I have cried countless tears and tamped down such an abundance of anger all because I was upset at what others thought. I would think "Well, so-and-so will get hers, who does she think she is" and "They need to hear about the different kinds of man today" instead of listening and taking in the sermon and the scriptures, just as she said she did when her daughter would talk to her or she would sit in the pew hearing the sermon, but not really listening as she should.

I prayed for help with this, and I feel that I am doing the right thing, starting my day on the right foot, because I asked HIM for guidance and help in how to proceed. I might not be able to read 52 books in 52 weeks or start the 12 sewing projects I'd like to start in 2012, or even increase my student's test scores more than 20 percent this year on the EOG test. I can't control the "insanity" that has hit us. I can follow God's word though, and allow him to speak to me, and hear the words of others and not take in the negativity and hatred. I can choose to not be offended and be the wife and mother and friend that God commands me to be.

I'm really happy that I stumbled across Wendy Blight's posts today. I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and this is just more evidence to support that belief. I hope you all find support and affirmation for positive reinforcements in your own lives today and everyday.

Now...I'm going back to bookmark her site and sign up for a few things, then to organize my to-do list for today and get moving! Has God led you to a new discovery lately?

Blessings,

Trixie :)

Tuesday Twitter Pated Hop

2011-12-27T10:50:00.003-05:00

I'm joining Rebecca and some others over at Learning to Limit for her Tuesday Twitter Hop.

It's week #2, but I just joined too, so just go on over and join us all. It should be great fun for 2012!!

Observe Oosouji

2011-12-27T10:23:00.002-05:00

Oosouji is a Japanese tradition where the home is given a special cleaning from top to bottom in preparation for the New Year. In Japan, each year is seen as separate and distinct.

For my celebration of Oosouji, I will be cleaning and organizing our home in preparation for our New Year here in an effort to invite a fresher and more orderly upcoming year. Won't you join me?

Today's Tasks:
1. Entry
2. Donation Station
3. Purging and putting away Christmas decorations.
4. Windows and Curtains/Blinds

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

2011-12-23T18:47:00.003-05:00

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. ~Dr Seuss

My children are here with us for the holiday, cookies are baking, presents are wrapped. The only thing left now is to watch our Christmas favorites like "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and enjoy being together.

While it does feel a little empty to be having another holiday without Wil, I am thankful and joyful that we have the other children and that we are all together right now.

May you find your little bit more and revel in it this weekend. Merry Christmas from the Huss Family.

School Party - What to bring? - Bourbon Balls of course

2011-12-19T12:46:00.004-05:00

I totally forgot about the school food thing tomorrow during our planning time! Trying to think of something simple yet good to take, I ran across this recipe for Bourbon Balls that we took to a Christmas party last year. I'm going to make them tonight. Simple, good, elegant enough to seem special.

Chocolate Bourbon balls

1 pkg semi sweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup bourbon
3 tbsp. light corn syrup
2 1/2 c. crushed vanilla wafers
1/2 c. sifted powdered sugar
Sugar to roll balls in
Pecans (1 c. if you like to add nuts, I'm not since I am not sure of all of my coworkers preferences tomorrow)

Directions:
1. Melt chocolate chip pieces by placing in a microwave save bowl and microwaving for 1 min, then additional 30 s until all chips are melted.
2. Add corn syrup and bourbon and mix well.
3. Combine crushed vanilla wafers and powdered sugar in a separate bowl.
4. Let stand for 20-30 minutes.
5. Shape into balls (about 1 inch). Roll in sugar.
6. Store in refrigerator until served.

How easy is this? I'll post pictures of the finished product tonight.

Early Christmas present

2011-12-19T09:17:00.004-05:00

Caleb was outside at the bus stop Thursday waiting on his bus, when this little black kitten ran up to play and purr at his feet. "Can we keep him Mom? He wants to come home with us."

"No, Caleb, he obviously belongs to someone, see his fat little belly? He's just out wandering and catting around. Put him down and leave him alone."

"If he's here when I get home can I have him, he can't have a home if he's still here."

My reply, famous parent response. "Ask your dad."

Thankfully no kitten was on our doorstep that afternoon. But Friday morning, lo and behold, who sauntered up but the little black kitten. Again, I said "No."

Saturday as I was retrieving poinsettias to bring indoors to finish up our decorations,who sauntered up to me but that same little black cat.....so inside she came (yes, it's a girl, not a boy).

Despite protests that the kitten must go if she has an owner that comes asking, Caleb has been inseparable from the kitten, finding yarn to ball up for it to play with, showing it how to find the litter box and constantly trying to take it to go potty so his dad won't fuss that the kitten can't stay indoors, and following her everywhere.

So, now we struggle with deciding on the best name for the kitten. Any suggestions?

Christmas Preparations

2011-12-17T08:27:00.002-05:00

My son has been telling me daily how many days we have until Christmas. He is so excited. I know it has nothing to do with the lights and decorations because we have none of ours up yet. Yes, NONE of them. I have two wreaths hung, but they are "bowless" at the moment, the tree is in the living room sans lights and decorations. That is our weekend project. We have to get it done. Yep, it's Saturday, December 17 and I have not decorated. Why? I honestly couldn't tell you.

And shopping? Oh no, not finished by a long shot. I will be doing most of it Wednesday ;)

I have no idea what to give L. I have some thoughts, but nothing definite. I know what I'm going to cook, and I know what I want for the kids, and well, DD already picked out each of her gifts when we were shopping the other day. No surprises for her this year :P

So, I am drinking my coffee and wondering when I am going to kick the kids out of bed to get the decorations in progress for today. My goal is to have the house decorated by mid day tomorrow. We'll see.

How is your decorating going? Are you finished shopping?

Opening My Eyes Again

2011-10-24T15:10:00.002-04:00

I miss being a mother and wife that enjoys her family. I miss rushing home from work eager to make sure my home is pleasant and comfortable for my family and myself. Why do I miss it so much? Because I allowed it to disappear.

I think it is my own responsibility as a wife and mother to provide a pleasing atmosphere and home for my family. I don't mean being superwoman with keeping everything so pristine that no one would want to touch my home, but definitely better than the sloppy existence that has slowly evolved over the past two year's losses. It is time to change and stop dwelling on what is NOT happening and return to the optimistic person that I used to be as a wife, a mother, and as a friend.

Today I will focus on not just earning a viable income for our family's needs, but also on returning our home to a pleasing environment, a safe haven from the rest of the world's stress, instead of just another place we go to after the school day has ended.

It will probably begin with just something simple like mastering the laundry that was not completed this weekend, but at least that will be a beginning, right? :)

Free Tree on Earth Day

2011-04-17T18:29:00.002-04:00

So I'm browsing my reader today, and lo and behold I see that Lowe's is giving away tress on Earth Day. YAY! To find out more, call your local Lowe's store.

I need another tree in our yard like I need another hole in my head....but I think that lil man will have fun with it.

Teen that faked her own death

2011-04-15T06:28:00.002-04:00

I still don't see how it happened, but the grief and misery that we dealt with two days ago was all fake....well, not the grief and misery, but the cause of it all. The friend that my students were convinced had committed suicide had faked her own death. Why would a child do that to her own mother and friends?

I know that I'll never know the answer to that question because I don't even know the young lady. I just know that she caused a lot of students at my school to question mortality and face a fear of realizing that they are only here for a finite time on this Earth. Now they are angry and distrustful, and rightly so. What do you say to a teen that is feeling angry toward the girl that caused this? One teacher told them to feel empathy for her, and to stay a friend and be supportive of her. The mother inside me wanted to snatch all my kids up and tell them they can't play together any more because she caused so much hurt and pain.

Is it wrong to teach empathy and to teach them to distance themselves? I chose to respond to their questions with "I don't know, this is something you'll need to talk to your parents about." Some of them will, but most of them won't, so I think this weekend I'll peruse expert advice and ask my friends that are counselors and professionals in this stuff.

I hope the young lady gets help and finds some peace in her world. I cried on the way home yesterday, releasing the tension from dealing with frustration and resentment and distrust, and just vowed once again to always be honest with my students. I think "I don't know" is a fine answer, they do need to understand that just because I can solve some difficult math problems doesn't mean I have all the answers.

I'm glad today is Friday. Soccer starts tomorrow....if the rain will hold off that is.

Blessings,

Trixie

Strength and peace, a fortitude for the kids

2011-04-13T20:24:00.002-04:00

Today I arrived at work early, thinking that I would get a lot done. At first I did, and things looked promising. Then, someone told me that a friend of one of our students had died. I froze for a moment. Literally froze. I don't know if anyone spoke to me or not. Then I inhaled, and the world moved slowly for the rest of the day.

The students that knew her were trying to cope with their grief. They looked stunned at first, then as the day progressed, they became more stressed and strung out, unable to focus on the work and becoming more angry and tense as each period went by. Somehow we held it together, and they did some of their work.

But now I feel drained and I don't want to go on. With the first class, I was able to talk to them about how it wasn't their fault that this happened. I reminded them that we didn't have any proof that it had happened either. It didn't stop the tears though.

It didn't stop my own stresses and unresolved grief either. I realized today that I am not okay. I haven't contacted any of the grief agencies yet that were given to me, because I doubt they can help me. Do you ever just know when something's broken and can't be fixed? I feel that way. I smiled for my students, relaxed the rigor a little and let them work at their own pace, put out some games for them to work on math skills while still coping with their own thoughts and fears and other emotions....but it wasn't enough.

I sit here tonight about to go sit and watch a movie when I just want to scream and rage at the world around me. I want to just cry, until I can't cry any more, sleep so long that I awaken thinking it must have been an nightmare and then move on to another day, numb myself and just forget it all.

But instead, I prepare to go watch the movie, smile around my home, and move on to the next task in my home until time to get up and pack lunches for tomorrow and do this all over again.

Death is always such a horrible thing, but especially when the youth do it to themselves. It makes me wonder how we could have failed them so miserably for them to think so little of their own life, you know?

Buttercups

2011-04-04T22:25:00.002-04:00

A friend posted something online that seems so strange to me. She said something to me using the word buttercup, then said that she will always refer to me that way from now on because that is who I am to her....buttercup. It made me laugh, because I immediately thought about those flowers that are a light purple with the yellow centers that my older sisters used to get me to pick, then smell and then would smash the flower against my nose so that I would have the pollen all over my face. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get them back, because they knew what I was going to do. I loved those stupid flowers, whatever they were. I called them buttercups growing up, and every time I see one randomly growing somewhere, I smile and remember laughing with my sisters and my brother, carefree and silly out in the pasture behind our home.

Another friend laughed when I told him what she had written, and he suggested that I was being referred to that way, not because of the flower I remember so vividly from my childhood, but because I tend to tell people to "Suck it up, Buttercup!" and just move on, do what it is that they do. I've pondered his statement all evening, wondering if that is what she meant or not.

I suppose I could just ask, but I haven't.....perhaps because I don't want to know the reality, but would rather live today in the simple task of making up my own story to go with the random post from a friend, remembering the lighthearted days of decades ago when allergies and pollen and words like that were just vocabulary to learn in a life science class, not something to concern yourself with in reality.

I wonder if lil' man would laugh if I introduced him to the buttercup the way my siblings did in those fields so long ago? Laughter is so very powerful, and so very necessary in life. I think that very soon we'll have to find out how he feels about buttercups, too.

New day, new resolve on life

2011-04-02T06:47:00.002-04:00

It was one year ago this morning that I got the call saying I needed to come home immediately. The morning was very like today actually. The sun was going to be out in spurts, but it was cool. I was going in to work on my workday to finish posting grades before starting our Spring Break. My husband L and our son went into Charlotte with me to help me clean my room and organize for the week off. The first call came around 8 or just afterwards. It was DIL and she wanted to know if I'd heard from our oldest son.

I couldn't help thinking "Of course I have, stupid, you guys have been fighting all darn week long!" but I said something to the effect that I had talked with him last night just before he had gone to bed and that he was at the apartment. Of course I asked her why, because I'm nosy that way. She said she was at the apartment and he wasn't there and she was waiting on someone from the Army to arrive because he had not reported for duty that morning. I still can't decide if I'm naive or stupid, because my thought at that moment was that he was still very upset with her and just overslept after getting drunk or something. I told her to call Jason, that he had probably gone back over to his place since the apartment made him so sad and upset. Then, in my typical bitchy mother way, I reminded her that he was hurt and upset about the arguing they'd had all week and that she should expect him to be emotionally and physically unavailable after statements like they had exchanged. I do give myself some credit for not calling her ugly names, not throwing into her face that her punk-ass self had not only cheated on him but she had flouted it in his face as a tool to hurt him and watch him go through pain this past week. I just asked her to call me when she heard from him and hung up.

I called his cell phone but it just rang and went to voicemail. I left him a message asking him to call me back because people were looking for him and that J. had called me upset because she couldn't find him at the apartment. She called back and spoke to L, telling him that W's keys, wallet and phone were still on the nightstand in the home, and that his car was gone and he was nowhere to be located, that everyone was looking for him. She promised to call as soon as she heard from him or found out anything else. I was worried, but I still thought something like "Wow, he is going to be in so much trouble now! I hope he wakes up soon and straightens this out. Just what he needs after this whole week of hell." I continued trying to work, but when we hadn't heard from her by 10 or so, L suggested we leave and go home to find out what was going on.

I can't remember anything else in the right order. I know it's not in the right order because none of it makes sense. At some point L talked with W's father, and he spoke again with J. Someone told him that the Army was supposed to get in touch with me. His face was devastating as he walked up to me on the front porch. Everything was in slow motion and surreal. You know how you just know something, but you refuse to buy into the reality because it wars so much with what you want to believe? I don't know how long it took for the chaplain and officer to arrive. Noone new details, or if they did, they weren't telling me. J was not available, of course, because she was grieving too. And feeling guilt like none she had ever felt before. She blamed herself for him taking his life.

He was out at Tybee Island, at the spot where they spoke their vows. They say it occurred around 2 a.m. on April 1. One year ago. His father is still carrying a lot of hurt and grief. His marriage has ended (again) and he is alone in that home where the kids spent their childhood with his pain and remorse and grief. I'm surrounded by people that love me and still I feel alone. I find myself crying at really stupid times. It has happened all year, and will probably continue to happen for many years to come. I have guilt too. I didn't realize he was that depressed. I didn't think he would end his life. I asked him several times, almost every day, that week before he did it if he wanted to come here, if he wanted me to come there, if he wanted to take some time off, was he staying with friends......but not one time did I really, truly believe that he would kill himself.

He used the .410 that belonged to his great-grandfather. It was the gun that we all learned how to hunt with. He had used it when he was young to squirrel hunt with his great-grandmother. They would take off early in the morning, walking through the woods, shaking vines and just listening to nature. He loved those times with her. She adored him and spent all the quality time she could with him, teaching him how to control himself and deal with the chaos of life around him. I find it ironic that he used that gun to end things. He adored her, and they were closer than any parent and child could ever be. His father used to resent the relationship between them. It was yet another thing that drove the two of them apart from one another. It was also the glue that held him to me through the separation and years after the divorce. Otherwise, his father would have completely separated him from me. She was right about what all of that did to W, but in my stubborn youth I refused to see it. I do now, with eyes wide open. Too late, but still right there, plain as daylight in front of my face, surrounding me with the memories and harsh realizations.

There's not enough counseling in the world to offset or correct and heal the guilt, the remorse, the pain, the sorrow that I have. I recognize it and embrace it when I have to, then push it back down, lock it away and move forward. I have to. We have other children that deserve our love and attention. They are beautiful, talented and smart too. Not like W....but not unlike him either. Actually, my youngest little surprise, 'lil man, is a minime of W. He is diagnosed with ADHD as well, but I make sure he takes medication for his symptoms. I was anti-medication with W., and I can't help but think that it was a huge cause of a lot of his inability to cope with things. 'Lil man won't have that problem, not if it's within my control to teach him strategies to fix whatever stresses him. He's not athletic like W., but he has the potential to be. I have neglected things with him because I'm such a workaholic. It's always easier to deal with my career than to be with my remaining family. Now I resolve to do things differently.

'Lil man will be starting soccer this week. Practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays and games on Thursdays and Saturdays, or something like that. I know nothing about soccer, but baseball just wasn't his thing when he was 5 and 6. He daydreamed and ended up kicking up grass and picking daisies in the outfield, if he was out there long enough to do so. He needs action sports. I know he will be good at sports, because W was, and so was W2 and W3. It will give his mind stuff to do and allow him to interact with other kids his age and form stronger friendships. He's Mr. Friendly just like his older brother, too. He makes friends with anyone and everyone. I have to make sure that he develops the confidence and resolve that W2 and W3 have, that he isn't insecure like his biggest brother. He doesn't resemble W in looks. He's stockier like my side of the family, and his hair is brown. He has my eyes, and my clumsiness. He just resembles W in his mannerisms and personality, with that constant smile when he's acting goofy and around people, and that scowl when he has to do chores and I'm always having to tell him again to finish what he started.

I miss W. I wish he was here to spend another 4th of July watching fireworks and laughing at Eve and her goofiness. I wish I could see him tease his little sister one more time, or watch him play the Wii with 'lil man again, both of them peas in a pod talking about the game, the characters, and the moves. I wish I could cook for him again and watch him inhale an entire table and yet stay as skinny as a rail on that huge frame he called a body. So, I recognize the futility of my pain, and I feel it, cry some more, fix the coffee, and get ready to go let Eve out and wake 'lil man for our day together. I pray my silent morning prayer and move on, because we have to, and because I'm resolving to do things differently, because I only have one life and one shot at this whole parenting thing, regardless of the number of children we have. W has taught me that we can't EVER teach our kids enough fix-up strategies for life, so I have some work to do today, again, still. He was 26 when he gave up and let suicide take over his thoughts. But he was much younger when I should have recognized the symptoms and done something about them. I know that I couldn't stop what happened, that I was a "good mom" and that he was a grown man. I know that he had other factors like stress from his work that were involved. I know all of the correct statements, but it doesn't change the fact that this is not something immediate in a child's thoughts. I resolve to be more aware with the other children, my three that I have given birth to, my two blended (if they will ever talk to me again, they hate me) and those that I look at every single weekday as we cover math skills.

The Laundry Monster in my room

2011-03-17T22:29:00.002-04:00

I'm afraid of the dark. Most people that really know me well know this about me. But now I have found an even bigger fear that I have to face -- the Laundry Monster in my room. It's been growing exponentially like some bacterial culture gone awry for two and a half weeks now. It's my own personal science experiment with my family. Eureka! I did make a new discovery and have given some validation to my theory that no one else in my home understands the secret workings of the washing machine in the laundry room. Hell, N is the only other family member that knows the location of the room!

But, no fear, I'm surviving it all okay for the moment. I have managed to rotate two full loads through the machines. Now I have to fold and put them away (GASP!!!) But that has only slightly diminished the "strength" of the monster in my room. I have been selfishly praying for the laundry fairy to come along and magically whisk up all of the clothes and clean and put them away, but I think her schedule must be really full. I remain optimistic that I can tame the wild beast before Saturday though.

Wish me luck!!!

Blessings,

Trixie

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2011-03-13T14:46:00.003-04:00

Daylight Savings Time has ended, and even though I feel tired and as though it shouldn't be as late as it is, I'm happy knowing that it will still be light when I come home from work this week. It means Springtime and Sunlight and Soccer season and heat! YAY Time Change!!!

Devastation Revisited, again, still

2011-01-29T07:52:00.002-05:00

What do you do when your life is crumbling around you? Again? Still? Me, I pray. No, not the selfish prayer, but the prayer for strength and guidance, and for His will to guide me. And it still crumbles, which makes me sad, because now I honestly believe that it is meant to crumble....otherwise, things would not keep spiraling the way they do.

So, I wash the laundry, I read some news feeds and blogs, I wash the dishes, and I wait for the inevitable....again....still.

Black Bean Burgers - Meatless Monday Effort

2011-01-17T21:52:00.007-05:00

So today I made some Black Bean Burgers, and they turned out pretty well overall. The next time I make these I'm going to drain the beans for a few minutes (about 20 probably) before I mash them and see if it is a little less messy (they were awfully gooey!) Here's what I did:

The picture shows one can of black beans, but I actually used two of them. I also show iodized salt, but I changed it to sea salt. Sorry, didn't want to take another picture. I used:

2 T olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 cans black beans (15 oz)
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 1/2 T cumin
1 cup plain bread crumbs
Salt and pepper

I preheated the oven to 375 degrees Farenheit and greased a cookie sheet.
Then, I warmed the oil in a skillet over medium-high heat and sauted the onions for about 3 minutes, added the garlic, and continued heating it for another minute.

I poured the beans into a bowl and mashed them into a paste, then added all of the ingredients and onions and mixed well.

I formed the patties, placing them on the greased cookie sheet, then placed them in the oven for 20 minutes, turning after 10 minutes.

I served them with some potato wedges that I had cut and put in the oven just prior to adding the patties. I think it came out pretty well. L ate two servings, N had seconds, and well, Lil Man's palate wasn't so refined for these, but he scarfed down a lot of potatoes and drank all of his milk. He'll get used to it after a while though.

I liked this recipe because it was simple and quick, something I need on a typical Monday night around this home. It was quite messy because it was my first time prepping the ingredients and I am a messy cook anyway, but I think that I can streamline this and prepare it within 30 minutes easily without a lot of mess and fuss. It made me happy to see L enjoying his meal knowing that it had reduced sodium, reduced fat, and added fiber without a loss of a lot of taste.

Blessings to you all,

Trixie

2011-01-12T21:31:00.003-05:00

There's still snow everywhere. It's cold outside, inside, even upstairs huddled under my covers with a book. It makes me think of how things are, and how I want them to be. There's only so much that I have control over in life. Mainly just myself. I can guide my son, try to influence him. I can give my daughter suggestions and advice. I can lead by example. I can express my thoughts to L, hoping he is listening to the words I'm saying. But I can't really, not REALLY change things around me.

That is a difficult thing to deal with. I have spent the majority of my life being told that I am in charge of my life and that if I want things to go a certain way all I have to do is work hard and things will just work themselves out. So, every day, all year, every year I work, and things just don't settle out. I was taught that I should pray and not try to control things, leave them in God's hands. I pray, not selfish prayers as I tease my family and friends by saying I make, but honest prayers for guidance and peace for those around me. There is always unhappiness around me, no matter how lighthearted I try to be. So I work, I try to smile, and I move through time as I have been taught, but to what avail?

I'm still lonely. My older children are too busy for me, unless they want money. They are at that age. Their social circles are important to them and they have to spread their wings and move on into life in their own space. My youngest child is at an awkward age. He wants to be more social, but the friendships are just not at that stage in this small town we've placed him in. It's not that he doesn't have friends, he befriends easily. It's that I don't know the kids or their parents, and vice versa, so his social skills are dependent on me being more social on his behalf. L is....insecure. There's no other word for it. He doesn't even hear me when I talk to him. I don't know what he's hearing, but it is definitely not the words coming out of my mouth, and I just can't have another argument. I'm out of steam. My social time consists of watching tv with L, youngest son, or going somewhere with them all. Never anything on my own. We can have friends over as long as they are mutual friends. Never just me going out with the girls or doing something on my own. So, I cook, clean, work, and watch. I wait for things to settle out. I pray. Then I just continue on with things because I don't have the power to change other people, not even those that live under my own roof.

Why share this? Because it's life as I live it. It doesn't diminish the love in my heart for them all. It doesn't change anything. But as I sit here wondering how much longer the snow will linger outside and try to warm my hands and type simultaneously, I also think that my life is like the snow. I'm lingering around, waiting on changes to take place. Maybe I'm not fluid and I'm frozen like the snow and I just don't realize it. I wonder if I'm stifling the growth that needs to occur with my family and loved ones by being cold and stagnant like the snow outside.

Time will tell, won't it?

Potato Latkes - A frugal dinner idea

2011-01-11T18:26:00.008-05:00

I made a decision to try to be healthier this year, and to my credit, it's working. Not because I would necessarily stick to my original plan, but because N is helping me stick with it by providing recipes and helping cook and shop for the groceries. You would think fried foods would be totally out, right? Nope, not even. Instead of using vegetable oil though, we have changed to pan frying with pure olive oil, which is really not that expensive now that N has me couponing and bargain shopping faithfully. I think L is enjoying the food...he seems to be....and with time, we'll all drop some weight around here and eat healthy and frugal menu options in the process.

The ingredients:

The Directions:

I shredded the potatoes and grated the onion, then placed them both in a colandar to drain for 30 minutes or so. I used a spoon to press the water out of the potatoes and onion as much as I could so the mixture would hold together when I cooked it.

I then added the egg, flour, salt, pepper, thyme leaves to the potato-onion mixture and tossed it to mix together.

Then I drizzled a couple of tablespoons of olive oil into the pan and heated it on medium high heat, shaped the patties, then placed them in the pan and cooked until browned, 2 to 3 minutes per side. I drained them on paper towels and served hot with applesauce.

The sausages were heated while the latkes were browning and served with creole mustard. Everyone seemed to like dinner, and it was minimal cost to us as well as a reasonably healthy quick dinner idea.

Next time I cook these I'm going to use a smaller skillet. As you can see, the larger skillet made it difficult to evenly brown the latkes while they were cooking. Other than that, it was simple and something that lil man would eat without complaint, which makes me happy on snow days like today.

Resigning myself from the Insanity that is my life

2010-11-29T17:50:00.004-05:00

Do you ever wonder if you've made the right decision? I question myself a lot, especially since moving to North Carolina. I resigned two weeks ago, gave my notice and will end employment at the end of December when the Christmas break starts. I was questioning myself during the Thanksgiving holiday. I shouldn't have.

Today I arrived and the algebra teacher next to my room came in to tell me that he wouldn't be in today, he was copying work to leave for the students. The geometry teacher was beside herself with upset because the principal had been sending her "resources" via email throughout the holiday. Half of my students were not present today. I think I had a total of 11 bodies in my room 2nd block, and 9 3rd block, when I normally teach 42 students (I know, small classes, it's because I work at a drop out prevention high school in the inner city of Charlotte). The "new format" we are supposed to start on Wednesday is still being "tweaked." As a result, the email that was sent with our directions on what to cover today as an introduction to our new model was incorrect and incomplete. Then, I saw an email stating we were to meet the last thirty minutes of planning today to go over tomorrow's agenda. I arrived on time, but half of the staff didn't, so it took the entire remainder of our planning, and (are you ready for this?) The Agenda Was Not Complete! Yep, they're still "tweaking" it. I'm not attending the training that the rest of the teaching staff is going to tomorrow. Instead, I'll be doing algebra pullouts with the students (list to arrive last minute in the morning). So, in celebration of doing things "their way" and not stressing out and showing my frustration to my students, I went home after work. I'll figure out what to do with the students tomorrow morning when I arrive. That's our M.O.....that's how we roll here. Oh, did I mention that one of our great and esteemed (or several, I really don't know who or how many) announced to their students that the teachers would not be in attendance tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow should be true bliss. I realized as I was pulling out of the parking lot that I had done the only sane thing by resigning. I am just not cut of a cloth to "roll" with spur of the moment plans and no foresight into what the student's needs really are. After all, I went the traditional path and actually trained on how to teach, how to take the students where they are and teach them the skills they need to advance academically and socially.

Was I stupid to resign without initiating the new hire process yet? I don't think so. I think digging ditches in this frozen tundra of a so-called Southern state would be preferable to continuing the insanity of the pace where I'm currently housed. Time will tell, though.

Stuffed Mushrooms for appetizers

2010-11-28T14:18:00.005-05:00

I always thought that stuffed mushrooms would be something difficult to prepare, but now that I've done it I realize that they are quite easy and quick appetizers to throw together at a moment's notice. I'm definitely going to add them to my "go-to" list for quick fixes around the holidays and for guests. So, how did I prepare mine?

Ingredients:
1 package of large mushrooms for stuffing
1 white onion
1/2 lb. sausage (I used Jimmy Dean)
shredded cheese (your choice, I used sharp cheddar because it's what I had on hand)
parmesan cheese

Directions:

Gently wash the mushrooms and remove the stems. Dice the stems up to use with the onion. Slice the white onion into strips. Brown the sausage in a pan, then remove to drain and reserve the drippings for the onion and mushrooms. Add the mushroom stems and onions to the drippings and saute the onions until they are transparent. You may add seasoning if you like. I added some pepper, but no salt.

When they are transparent, you can add everything else. I used about 1/2 cup of each kind of cheese, and added the sausage and mixed well. Then I stuffed each mushroom cap with the mixture and placed it on a cookie sheet. When finished, I put the mushrooms in a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. Here's what they looked like when I finished.

L liked them, and DS LOVED them! Our guests liked them as well. So, I'll try them again for the next get-together we have.

I liked this recipe best because it was simple and can be easily adapted to whatever I have on hand in my kitchen, which is paramount around here!!! I hope you try them and like them as much as my family did.

2010-10-17T08:32:00.002-04:00

So, it's Sunday, I haven't typed up any of my lesson plans for next week, there's still laundry to do for tomorrow, and I'm anticipating going to watch W play volleyball instead of finishing work that needs to be done this afternoon. How hypocritical is that when I demand that students turn in work assigned when due regardless of what's going on in their lives?

Generosity of Spirit

2010-10-15T21:41:00.002-04:00

I haven't felt like blogging at all since my son's death. I didn't feel like much of anything at all actually. Then, one day I just decided to try to suck it all up and return to work to finish out the school term. Keeping busy was the ticket for working through the grieving process. I'm still not over it -- there are lots of days when I still cry over silly things, mornings when I don't want to open my eyes and go through the day, evenings when I just want to throw everything against the wall, but it gets easier to deal with over time.

This school term I've literally thrown myself into work. I went back this term with the expectation that I will do whatever it takes to make sure my students pass their classes. It's a frustrating place to try to work in full time, because I have to teach students "in spite of themselves," work with adults that don't truly believe inside that the kids can do whatever they set their goals to achieve, and work in an environment where utilizing "21st Century skills" is difficult due to the condition of the facility that we're given to work in. Despite all of my negative "issues" listed above, learning is taking place and it's really awesome to watch things unfold as the students work toward their goals.

Today I went to see "Waiting for Superman." It was amazingly inspiring, and it brought me to tears because I see our kids in those represented in the documentary, our parents and their frustrations with the education system, and as I watched it I couldn't help but make a mental checklist of items to improve upon myself. There is so much more that I could be doing for my students than I already am. They deserve it all, and even more.

So why did I title this post "Generosity of Spirit?" I was reading another blog this evening and still reflecting over what I saw and heard this afternoon during the viewing of "Waiting for Superman" when I ran across this statement: "Giving generously, whether it be of your time, talents or financial resources gives back ten fold." The blogger, Jen Schmidt of Balancing Beauty and Bedlam, was writing about her daughter's generosity of spirit extended to a neighbor, and her own generosity of spirit extended to a woman recently. When I read it, it inspired me even more than the movie this afternoon did. I feel very strongly that things happen for a reason, and that the "generosity of spirit" that I was casually perusing this evening was a message to me to extend even more of myself into making a difference in student's lives.

More importantly, though, I think that if everyone that works with children could read Jen's message and think about what they do, they would also be inspired. So, even though I don't post any more, I don't have a "following" of any kind, I wanted to "say this" on my blog, and have it here to come back and view again later.

If everyone would show some generosity of spirit in different areas of their lives, we would all benefit from a better world in which to live, and it doesn't have to be anything difficult, it just has to "be." At least that was my take on things......

Blessings to all,

T

Involuntary Reflexes

2010-04-02T22:16:00.003-04:00

1God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

2Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

3Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

10Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

11The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

My son committed suicide today. NOT an April Fool's Day prank. It's April 2, Good Friday. She told him she wanted a divorce on his birthday last Sunday. I don't feel like dying Easter eggs, celebrating or attending a sunrise service. I don't feel like breathing either...good thing it's involuntary.

2010-03-13T07:22:00.002-05:00

I was reading a blog this morning (which is amazing considering my time issues lately with work and commute and such) and ran across this passage from Luke (Luke 6:45): “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”

That was a powerful phrase for me this morning. I feel that it is so true that we must carry positive thoughts in order to draw positive energy and such toward us in our lives. Yet, I have not been positive in many of my thoughts and actions lately. I guess that's why everything is so UGH around me right now. So, I'm going to work on my positive thoughts once again, and surrounding myself with positive energy.

Friends and coworkers

2010-03-05T03:25:00.002-05:00

I am floored this week. Functioning but not really. A coworker that I had considered a friend has been going behind my back and trying to ruin my credibility and rapport with students for stupid, childish reasons. And there's nothing I can do about it except survive until the poison passes by.

It hurts. Deeply. I invested time, energy, and emotion into someone and this is what I'm faced with. I graded papers for her so that her grades could be posted on time. I made out syllabi for courses to prevent stress on her part. I lost time on my own work because she needed to vent to me about various and sundry things that she couldn't cope with at work. All the time she was simply twisting truth to suit her needs so that I was tearing down professional relationshiips and student relationships (at least in my mind).

I wondered for months why my adjustment to the state, to this school, to my math classes, was so bizarre. The culture at my school is not very positive, but I have dealt with "not-so-positive" cultures in school before. After all, I've been working with at-risk students for just over a decade of my career. They are stressed out when they enter our programs. It's our job to focus them and move them into a space academically where they feel like they have an opportunity to "make it." I wonder now if part of my adjustment was so difficult because of my choice of associations with coworkers. We are the professionals. We vent, we work hard, we get stressed, we release it, we regroup, then we work hard some more. It's worth it when the student that hates you comes back to say "Hey, I got this. Thanks, I'm moving on." But when a student who was reaching a positive space moves on and then comes back to you with venom and hateful comments, it hurts you. I think because of the emotional investment. But to discover during a post-conference with the student that a coworker was apparently the issue of the discontent and comments is unacceptable in my eyes.

She resigned this week. Which puts a huge burden on the rest of us because the students feel abandoned. It puts us in a stressful situation because we have to organize the stuff that was left behind and unfinished. That added to our already over-filled "caseloads" with homebound students, the current teaching responsibilities, and grading that I put off because she needed "help" (If only I had realized how MUCH help and professional referring she actually needed!) has me stressed out to the point of breaking. I should feel closure. After all, her resignation, her meltdown in her own classroom, was like karma for the hateful and spiteful things she was doing. But I feel raw and wide open. I feel like I have no good judgement where friends and coworkers (both, as a separate entity each) are concerned.

So today is Friday. It's 3:30 a.m. and I'm writing this to empty my head, then grabbing a shower, packing lunches, and hitting the highway for the commute and another effort to try to wrap my head around what it is that we're going to do come Monday. I have to meet with my science learning community, but it's just going to be two of us, because the third is taking the day off. I'm going to email my facilitator and ask that we just not meet. I need time to prepare the plan for the pull out group and how we're going to do the rotations. Something else that is now added to my plate, another hat I have to juggle.

I'm tired. And emotionally alone. But.... I can do this. We never have more put on us than we can handle, and God's tests are all for a reason, right?

Blessings to you all,

Trixie

Self Discipline

2010-02-28T15:16:00.003-05:00

It's usually the very thing about myself that I can say I have a good grasp on, but lately my self discipline has suffered and is greatly lacking. I juggle too many hats and think that they must be separated and apart, when actually all I need to do is accept that I have a lot of hats and just "getRdone" so to speak.

I start activities at school (planning, phone calls to parents, tests) and then rush to my evening class, tutoring the homebound students, home to cook dinner or eat a late one since the kids and L have already eaten, then I ignore the tasks that I need to finish and rush around "almost" cleaning the kitchen, "almost doing the laundry" and "almost"-ing everything else.

Today I have pledged to myself to hold onto the self-discipline needed to multitask and accept that I have to multitask. If the entire task is incomplete, then why bother with it at all? I always say to my students and my children that "close only counts with horseshoes and hand grenades." SO.....my "close calls" with "almost" grading the papers I need to grade, or "almost" cleaning the kitchen will end NOW. I have pledged to myself to finish what I start even if I have to continue it in spurts to get the items done. Prioritizing must occur if I am to maintain any sanity this semester at all.

Do you ever do that to yourself? Try so hard to separate what you're doing into little compartments so that you aren't "blurring the lines" only to find that if you do not blur those very lines then nothing gets accomplished at all?

Am I still out there?

2009-10-30T05:44:00.002-04:00

Yes. Just unavailable online for a while, that's all. We've been really busy since the start of school, and it seems as if every single day there's something else "new" or "unexpected" or just bizarre about my new school and position. It's quite honestly overwhelming trying to adjust to North Carolina. There are glimmers of hope and I know that the move was the right choice, but the program and the people just seem so ..... I'm not even sure of the word for it. Lazy? Not really, they're working hard, just in the wrong directions. Unorganized? Not really, although the last moment notifications are crazy. I guess I'm really old school and much too used to planning ahead. Although, I was able to finalize an entire week's worth of lesson plans and I think (fingers crossed) that we won't have interruptions with last moment announcements of meetings and such. We'll see. It's not that I'm not rolling with the punches, it's just stressful thinking that I only have one quarter left to teach this content in a meaningful way and we still need to go back and reloop for mastery and reinforcement of first quarter concepts. And data? I can't help but laugh, and then cry at what they share thinking it means something useful. I try to be optimistic, but overall I have to say that I think the education system works hard at working on work instead of just analyzing the data they collect and teaching effectively so that the kids aren't so overwhelmed. I am a little TOO much about the students it seems, and not enough of a patient person to really fit in. What to do about it? I don't know, but I do know that I am not going to spend every other day crying and being upset. Today is a workday, but I am as caught up as I can get until the makeup work appears or they give me something I can use to plan a more effective lesson. Lil man has a doctor's appointment, as does L. I'm focusing on my family and I'll figure out the rest of work on Monday.

What else is new? Halloween on Elm Street is coming up. Apparently I'm supposed to be prepared for over 1,000 trick or treaters. I'm not thrilled about that by any means. It's not that I won't allow some fun on the Candy holiday (because really, what's it honestly about? CANDY and silliness), but I would much rather have taken lil man to a festival at church or something rather than sit on my porch giving out candy to over 1,000 people. Upside to it? My oldest son and dil are coming this weekend and bringing the "kids" (their two dogs). That makes my heart really glad.

My bible studies? Sadly behind, but....accountability is awesome isn't it? I'll be working on them again in regularity so I will post something soon about it. I'm also reading about gardening, starting up a food garden for real this spring/summer just to see what we can grow.

And on that note, I'm going to cook breakfast and prepare for our day. My direct deposit STILL hasn't started, so I'll be opening up a local account somewhere today so I can cash checks and then wiring money to my credit union so some bills can be paid and I can cover the overdrafts that are going to occur because HR told me that "it's definitely qued for the direct deposit to start October 30." Yeah, right. If I taught like that, what would happen? *sigh*

Have a safe and happy weekend all....

with love,

Trixie

My Husband Rocks Friday

2009-07-24T08:01:00.002-04:00

Hey! I know which day of the week it is this morning AND I'm posting. Isn't that amazing?????!!!!!

Katy Lin over at The Great Adventure has this weekly thing going on (well it didn't look weekly any more but it's summer and who am I to talk about posting frequency right?) Anyway, I like the idea of telling the world why my hubby rocks...so here is this week's My Husband Rocks post :)

L fixes things. That is his nature. The bike tire is low, he airs it up. The car makes a sound, he repairs the squeaky thing (or whatever, you get what I mean). I get upset at something one of the kids says, or does, or whatever, he's all over it.

To me, that is why he rocks. He has a solution for everything, which really results in making everyone in our family calmer, more focused, and ready to go to him because they know he'll have an answer for whatever "ails them."

Yesterday our 17 year old daughter, lil miss indepedence USA, called us. She had just crossed over the Alabama border and stopped for a drink and to change clothes, and the truck overheated. Something was busted. Her father was at work and about 5 hours from her. We were in NC and about 6.5 hours from her. He fixed it over the phone. Well, HE didn't, but he talked her through what to do. A miracle came her way yesterday in the form of a couple that lived in that town. She let the husband look at the truck. It was something mechanical that I have no idea what to call it other than hose stuff. But, L knows what it is, and he knew the best solution for the moment for her, and he dealt with it, kept her calm and focused, and now she's not stranded in North Alabama, but safely ensconced with her best friend and her family until her dad can be contacted this morning.

I have to love him for that. We're waiting to hear back from her this morning. She's going to talk to her father about the problem before we just plunk out money for the repair because:
1. He's closer and can probably replace the hose himself if he can get up there.
2. She was heading to his place anyway since camp ended to chill out before heading back to school for tryouts/conditioning
3. We really don't have much left in funds at this moment until I get a school position or go back to Florida for the beginning of the next school year...so we're hoping her dad can fix it, but if not, L is perfectly prepared to take care of it and figure out the budget adjustment later.

Anyway, to me, that makes him rock. He's always so cool, collected, and has a plan for whatever happens, whatever comes up. I'm very grateful that God led this man into our lives.

Trixie

2009-07-24T07:41:00.002-04:00

Ok, better late than never, right?

I try to post the Thankful Thursday, but I forget and then it's Friday, or even Saturday lol....but here goes anyway (I'll get the hang of the schedule eventually)

1. I'm thankful for my husband, L. He's like glue. He holds the family together. When our kids are upset or panicking, they hear his voice, and voila, problem instantly smaller or nonexistent. He is the steady calm, the reassuring presence, the rock that stabilizes everyone around him.

2. I'm thankful that our dalmation and kitten are healthy. We lost Haley, our Jack Russell last Sunday, and I was very worried that it was something contagious and not accidental poisoning like L suspected. Apparently he was right, the other pets are doing just fine all week long.

3. I'm thankful for the weather here in NC. It's so nice to see sunshine, get a little bit of rain for the plants and trees, and then have such pleasant evenings spent sitting outside on the porch and reflecting on our day.

4. I'm thankful that we've made the decision on which church we want to attend. For the past two months we have spent Sundays "visiting" each church in the area to see what they are like. We have an abundance of really good churches in this area, but I have to agree with L. The one we've chosen does seem best for our family. It's nice to have a decision made...moving forward. I'm looking forward to this Sunday with a great enthusiasm.

5. I'm thankful that my MIL is doing well. She got a rather alarming-to-us report from her doctor last week, but she's fine and seems to be taking things in stride. She's such a wonderful person.....I want her around for years and years for the kids to know her better.

6. I'm thankful that God overlooks my stubborn streaks and continues to work through me and around me. There's nothing else to say except that He never quits, and I find that quite amazing.

It's not Thursday, but I'm Thankful anyway

2009-07-19T06:59:00.002-04:00

My schedule has been anything but conducive to being able to blog since the move to Elm Street. We had to unpack, settle lil man into his new space, then we were descended upon by intermittent visits from my amazing MIL "Mother" as you'll hear me refer to her from now on, because I really really love her like my own, the "girls", L's 14 and 9 year old that live in Jax, FL, the "girl", Wendy, our 17 year old that is so independent that it scares me sometimes (but I created the monster that scares me, trust that!) and a smattering of L's relatives that made it seem like a perpetual family reunion for a while....but I digress. All that to say I was busy offline.....

But I have so many things to be thankful for:

1. My husband. He is a rock of stability, even when he flounders with decisions about what to do. I can always count on him to listen to me and regardless of what's going on, he is my partner, my friend, and my confidante. God really blessed me this time :)

2. Our family. There are so many relatives now I feel overwhelmed, but they're wonderful. They call, drop by, leave, but they're all friendly and helpful and welcoming. It's nice to be around family after losing so many of those that I love in mine. They have been very patient and accepting of lil man, Caleb.

3. Mother. I can't begin to describe how utterly amazing she is. I met her face to face the day she arrived with the girls from her marathon drive from Texas to Florida and then to North Carolina. She is my mother, my grandmother, and my father all rolled into this relaxed and beautiful woman that has molded L into the man he is today. If you met her, you would fall in love with her too, she's just that amazing. I have yet to sit down and write a letter to her thanking her for all that she did while she was here....but that will be done after church today.

4. God. I know, I listed Him last. But He is really all of the above thanks too, because without His intervention into my life and His guidance when I turned to Him in prayer after Daddy passed away I wouldn't have any of the above to express thanks for. He truly stepped back into my life that day and led me through the painful process of purging the trash from around me and rebuilding things the right way. Laurence would never have met me without some divine guidance bringing us together, I truly believe that. Even though these past weeks have been busy and full and very stressful for the most part, He has still managed to show me the blessings in all of the things happening around us. I am up this morning reflecting on the study passage before I wake the others for church and reflecting on how thankful I am that we are here on Elm street together and able to worship the Lord.

So...my blogging isn't so terrifically regular, the posts aren't so really spectacular, but...it's my life on Elm Street, as unspectacular and irregular as it is...it's mine. I pray that everyone I know can be as blessed as I feel we are by our irregular and unspectacular lives here :)

Happy Sunday,

Trixie

When to say yes, when to say no...when to just exist

2009-07-18T11:33:00.002-04:00

These past three weeks have been spent with my stepdaughters. My MIL brought them up with her for their summer visit. When she arrived upset and ready to leave just from the drive from Florida to North Carolina, I should have recognized that it was inevitable. I should have insisted they leave at the first dramatic upheaval. But I thought it was just separation anxiety and that it would pass. I thought that the 14 year old, like most teens, just slightly resented my presence as her stepmother but that she generally wanted to see her dad and spend time with him. I was so totally wrong. And even worse, I was totally unprepared for what to do with the situation.

I have always taught my children that they are to be respectful to adults. They understand that they can have different opinions, they can have their own ideas, and they can disagree, but never disrespectfully. My children have grown up knowing that they can talk to either of their parents about anything that troubles them, and that we will do whatever is the best thing to do for the situation. But my children understand that the world does not revolve around them...even the 7 year old. It was a disaster from the moment their grandmother picked them up, but we were too stubborn to recognize it for what it was. I take full responsibility for it all, because I'm not only a seasoned parent with years of skills behind me, but a professional educator with years of experience in dealing with teenagers specifically. L is brand new to the entire parenting gig, and his ex-wife has decided that she doesn't want him to be involved with the girls and has undertaken a very nasty and passive-aggressive approach to getting her way.

The 14 year old came with an agenda to make everyone here miserable. She did everything she could to insult and intimidate her grandmother and her father, and when he called her on her behavior she railed and ranted and put on a show like nothing I have ever seen from any child or adult on this earth. Her mother didn't want to come pick her up. I know now why. I wouldn't have picked her up either...she needed the break, and her plan to drive the children further apart from their father would have folded if she had given in to her daughter's screams and demands. Instead, she coreographed the scenes via phone calls and text messages, and I was too busy picking up and being their little slave during the initial weeks to realize what was going on.

They are gone now. Now I can relax, examine the rest of the situation, reflect and see what else could have been done, or should perhaps be done the next time they decide to make contact with him. They will, because the 9 year old was actually enjoying herself and didn't want to go home. She won't feel that way a few days after she gets home though. Between the older girl, her mother, and the other family there she will be brainwashed to recall only hate, fear, and any other negative emotion they can find to instill in her. But eventually she will want to visit with him again. So what do to about it?

I said adamantly to them all on Tuesday that we will never all visit together again. Sitting here now I still think that it would be for the best. L can take them somewhere, just go there and hang out in Florida places, or perhaps take them to Charlotte and stay in a hotel there. Or perhaps I could take lil man and go somewhere for the visit time here, but he would have to hire a housekeeper or the home will be ruined, even if I'm only gone for a few days. I want to pray for guidance. I want to pray for the girls. I want to pray for their mother, who is obviously very disturbed. But I sit here, in indecision, wondering if I am doing the right thing. So instead, I will pray for God to guide me, my family, and do what He feels is necessary, and put it all behind me for now, leave it all in His hands.

I feel very guilty for feeling so relieved that they are gone. Today is the first peaceful day I have had since I last posted in June. I will pray for forgiveness for my own attitude as well....and for strength to mean it.

The Wife and The Rib

2009-06-14T06:50:00.002-04:00

So, I am not making this Biblical Submission study weekly as it was intended, but I am actually still following the study. I thought I would take a few minutes this morning before I wake the "crew" to start getting ready for church to share the 2nd week's study and my thoughts on it.

Sunny posted about the significance of Eve being formed from Adam's rib...and how the wife is intended to protect her husband's heart and lungs just as the rib protects those vital organs. Since I just the other day was struggling with feeling inadequate, useless, and a burden in our marriage (yes, those were my actual true thoughts, along with "what am i to him?" thoughts) her post seemed so very important to me personally. So, while I can't seem to get the study down to a weekly art at this point, it doesn't worry me now because it seems like I was "meant" to read that this weekend after struggling with such issues.

I know I should protect his heart. And I do. Until I think that my own heart has been abandoned...that's where my trouble lies. We are still on a learning curve though. Each of us has been married before, both failed relationships despite all efforts to keep things together. Regardless of what anyone says, there is ALWAYS emotional baggage to deal with when a new relationship begins....on the part of both members of the couple. So, I read this --

There is no one or no thing in all the earth God has created that God gave the ability to either be the most injurious or that provides the greatest blessing and strength to a husband than his wife.

-- and I thought "Wow....I need to reassess." I don't want to be the most injurious. I want to give L strength and blessings.

My feelings were hurt the other day. It happened months ago, and I talked to him about it, but he didn't get it, so instead of talking again, I just went on, thinking I could deal with the hurt myself. I didn't turn to God to let him deal with it, or with me. It festered, and when something else happened, I felt violated, incompetent, and unloved by my husband. I wanted to walk away from it all (my nature in the fight or flight syndrome unfortunately). So...I wounded him greatly when I lashed out and said I didn't want to continue our relationship (yep, I said that to him). He came home immediately to talk to me and work things out. He was wonderful, really. But it made me realize how much he does actually love me and how important communication is for us to have the relationship that God intended....and it made me see how I do affect him when I choose to not protect his heart, his lungs, his spirit. I won't say that things are perfect again in my world, but I will say that this study is helping me see how to relate better to my husband in the way that works for our relationship.

I want to be L's modern day rib in action and provide him with the love and protection that he needs every single day.

2009-06-10T22:17:00.002-04:00

My son walked in as I started writing this last night and said, "Mom. When are we doing Monopoly?" To him, this means "family night." He has recently begun playing our vicious cut-throat games and looks forward to the time spent as a family laughing and bickering over the properties etc. I smiled when he said that and stopped writing. I went to spend time with the kids and my husband. I love this new "normal" that we have now that we're permanent residents on Elm Street. Almost every night is family night now, and every day is time spent together as a family instead of racing everywhere to rush to do everything. Part of the reason for the change is summer time, less structured schedules now that school's out. Part of the reason is L, who brought us all together and makes us a complete family again. Part of the reason is God...I know this is His plan. I'm very thankful for everything and everyone in my life. So, as I look around me at the mounds of boxes to still unpack, sort and put away I can smile knowing that I'm working toward a plan that God intends for our lives. It gives me some extra "oomph" to tackle each day and make our home better.

That said, I have a lot of things to have "oomph" for this week :)

- starting the composting in the back yard. L wants to use the three bin system, so I am hoping to start the first bin even though we don't have the "stuff" he would like to use to make it all pretty....our plants won't care about that

- weeding. The lawn service has not been trimming anything, and the plants are overgrown and some are choking out from the weeds. It will take a while to get things the way they should be around here, but I know that we can do it.

- finding a place for everything in our kitchen. I brought way too much stuff with me. Somehow I have to find a place for the things I still "have" to have and repack the things that we don't need so that we can yard sale them or freecycle them to someone that can use the excess. I don't know how I did it, but we now have three graters in the cabinet and two small ones in the utensil drawer. I must have a secret fetish for grating or something.

- getting rid of boxes. We put all the stuff that we brought with us in the hallway. L wants me to unpack a box at a time from the hall. Sounds simple enough right? Of course it is, so OF COURSE I complicate things by sifting through and picking out the boxes that I WANT to unpack. So...now it's a complete wreck in there.

- Finding a job. The economy just doesn't look good at all. They just laid off hundreds of teachers here in this county. I may be working in the private sector after all once again. I can always go back to my old school in Florida, but L wants us together as a family here on Elm Street, and so do I. We'll see what's out there soon enough. The state will issue a budget one of these days and we'll go from there. Something will happen, I know it.

Too many other things to list right now or I'll feel overwhelmed *sigh*.....I'll be back later this week to update things.

Blessings,

Trixie

Trust - and Motivate Me Monday

2009-06-01T08:27:00.003-04:00

Trust - It's a simple word, simple to pronounce, simple to say, yet so very very hard to put into practice. At least for me. It's my motivational word for the month of June. It may even become my mantra at times. We'll see.

Trust is defined as having confidence or faith in....something, or someone. I hope that you will think about it, reflect on your own life, and examine how trust works for you. For me, it's about trusting that God's plan is the right one. Trusting my partner to know that he makes the best choices for us. Trusting that the things I say and do are from the plan He has for me and not my own special agendas or some tangent that I've derived for myself.

How will I do that? I will just be. When I was a little girl, there was this goofy television show that had this theme song that just stuck in your head. I loved that show. I remember sitting out back and singing or humming it to myself sometimes, and it always made me smile. I think it was the Doris Day Show, she was the actress in it, but honestly, I'm senile sometimes and I just can't for the life of me remember. But I remember that song, Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see. Que Sera Sera, what will be will be.

So I will practice Que Sera Sera this month, placing my trust in God and my partner to allow things to happen the way they are intended, and enjoy our move, our settling into Elm Street, and a return to the simple life of my childhood with the man that I love and adore with our family that we both love and adore with all of our hearts.

I don't know how "motivational" this post is for anyone else, but it is very motivational for me. I believe that trust is a very powerful motivator. It allows us to stop manipulating or worrying that we are imposing our own plans, and allows God and our partner He has provided us with to control the major plans. This frees us up for bigger and better things, taking us away from the minutiae of "stuff" that gets in the way of having a truly beautiful life. At least that is how it seems to me......

For some truly motivational posts, so over to Sarah Mae's site, Like a warm cup of coffee, for more MMM posts.

Menu Plan Monday

2009-06-01T07:06:00.006-04:00

I'm laughing to myself as I type this post, because it's my first week to post a weekly menu plan (I usually have one, just haven't gotten around to posting one online and linking it, I'm one of the "pervs" that looks at all the links to menus and doesn't do anything to participate :) ) But, funnier, at least to me, because we're moving on Saturday to Elm Street permanently...so I have very little left in the pantry and freezer at this time. I know myself well though, so I decided to jump in while I have time on a Monday morning to do this. So, here you go, such as it is:

Breakfasts - Cereal, English muffins (from the freezer), oatmeal

Lunches - p, b & j sandwiches, turkey sandwiches (Turkey is some we got on sale for $.84 a package and froze just so we would have lunch meats til the move..which was a YAY inside my haed at the time)

Dinners -

Monday - Steak with rice and gravy, spinach, rolls

Tuesday - Taco Salad

Wednesday - Salmon with salad

Thursday - sandwiches, finish any leftovers, eat the rest of the potatoes

Friday - leftovers or eat out (I know, but we're moving Saturday!!)

Saturday - We'll stop somewhere and eat if we finished all of the turkey, but if not, we'll eat Turkey sandwiches with a picnic dinner at a rest stop on the way

Sunday - I don't know yet, we'll head to the grocery and cook, the home is already prepared for us since we have been there off and on throughout the past year....cooking dinner the day after we move is NOT a problem.

I'm so excited about the move!!! This week is going to DRAG by I just know it *sigh*

For more recipe ideas (certainly things more original than mine for this week) head over to Laura at org junkie for some yummy stuff!!

Memorial Day Remembered

2009-05-26T14:34:00.002-04:00

I was busy all weekend packing and spending time with the kids before our move. Two of ours live with their mom primarily and this weekend was our last one to see them before we made the final move to Elm Street. They couldn't stay for the cookout on Monday because Mom wanted to make a mountain out of a molehill. We didn't take the bait, but agreed to return the kids on Sunday night. It's not like we're not going to have the summer together in just a couple more weeks. Besides, it gives us plenty of time to have their room ready and everything perfect on Elm Street.

The cookout was lovely. My best friend hosted it at her home, and everyone brought a dish to contribute. I added a few boxes of food from our pantry too...less for us to carry north and more for them to use while the finances settle for the time she's had off on temporary disability...win-win situation for both of us. I love their new place. I didn't take a single picture while we were there...but it's adorable. She's finished painting, all the carpets have been cleaned, and she has the pictures hung, etc. I can't wait to have them come up to Elm Street this summer!!

The time with our family was the best part of the day. The kids were happy and smiling, L was happy and smiling. That made me happy. I smiled a lot yesterday.

Week One Bible Study - A Wife's Biblical Submission

2009-05-24T12:17:00.002-04:00

Well, I gathered my highlighters, my notebook, and my pens. I opened my bible, read the referenced verses. No great aha! moments occurred to me the first time I read through it all. I thought to myself "Wow, Trixie, you're so original....no thoughts other than those expressed?" I think it was my general morose mood from Friday seeping into this morning. So I closed the books, logged off the computer, and went to make breakfast and start the garlic bread so it could rise properly for our lunch today. As I stood in the kitchen kneading the dough for the garlic bread and listening to the two youngest chatter and play in the living room, I thought about what I had read. This time I had my aha! moment. It was that I don't need an Aha! about everything I'm studying. This study is to reaffirm myself to make sure that I'm allowing God to guide me in my marriage to L, that I am being the woman He wants me to be. From what I read, I should be smiling and happy NOT to have some huge "Oh my gosh! I need to...." moment. Because I am serving with a willing heart, my life is calm, the home is taken care of and I am seeing to my family's needs while we adjust and prepare for the move to Elm Street in just over a week.

I wrote that just before we moved, and then I didn't post it for everyone to see. We're here now, and I'm sitting here re-reading that draft and wondering how I could go from feeling like I was re-affirming my submission to L to wondering if I am submissive at all to him? What a terrible day it has been with us bickering. He is demanding an apology that I am determined not to give until we talk. REALLY talk, communicate, clearly and openly. I feel violated, and he thinks that it's over something petty, but to me, it's the issue behind the action, the actual motive of things...and he doesn't get it and he's angry and we're apart with him traveling right now.... So we'll settle it tomorrow, or the next day, or the next after that. And if we don't? Well, I have to hope that we will.

In the meantime, I'm going to make myself keep working on my "To Do" list....

Blessings,

Trixie

Do you get "mom crazy" when defending your kids?

2009-05-23T09:57:00.000-04:00

I couldn't wrie about this yesterday. I couldn't write anythng yesterday I was so worked up over this "issue" (we'll call it that for lack of a better term) with the clinic nurse, my son's first grade teacher, and unprofessionalism. I have taught for 17 years now, and not once have I ever gossiped negatively about my students with another educator. Yes, I've joked about energy levels of some of them, and yes, I've felt like pulling out my own hair from time to time, but I take the incident to the source and discuss things with the student and parent directly, lay it all out on the table, and I always try to remember that they are the ultimate guide for their child...I'm a facilitator in their absence. So when I read the scribble on the note he brought home from the clinic and listened to my husband explain our son's side of the story to me, I was surprised. So, being the conscientious mother that I try to be, I immediately called the nurse for a followup conversation when I arrived at work.

I totally missed my department meeting because of the phone call. I was totally devastated at the lack of professionalism shown to me, a fellow employee in addition to being a parent. The entire conversation was like something surreal. She began by not knowing who my child was at first. But when I read her the copy of the note sent home, it was like lightning struck or something. She animatedly started sharing all of her parenting tips with me and condescendingly explaining to me how I am doing everything wrong and even implying that I am flippant with my son's care, casually giving him medications when it's "convenient" or "thought about" by me. I at first was shocked, then automatically started into defense mode, then became angry, all within moments of each emotion. By the time I processed everything said to me I impulsively told her off, not very nicely and demaded that she leave my son alone and stop gossiping with his teacher. She couldn't back herself up quickly enough through the receiving end of my retaliating anger to apologize, but it was too late. I let out the emotions and rude words and hung up on her.

I couldn't breathe, I was so shocked at my own behavior. I was bawling lke a baby, sobbing hysterically for what seemed like hours, but was probably actually only about 20 minutes. I remember calling my husband to tell him to prepare if they called because I had definitely let loose on the nurse, and to be prepared for one upset little man after school today. I wrote a nasty email to her, the teacher, and cc'd my principal and hers, then I minimized it all and left it on the desktop. It took me hours to calm down enough to delete the message and let it go.

I prayed for forgiveness when I calmed myself down, forgiveness for stooping to her level by losing my temper, for saying such rude words to someone, for being so ruthless in my retaliation, leaving her no room to breathe herself.

I remembered my husband' words when I regained some calmness and control in my world. He speaks to me about the rule of 5's all the time...about when would it matter? 5 minutes? 5 hours? 5 days? 5 weeks? etc.....We have 7 days of school left. She has a lifetime to live with how she acts. DS only has to endure her for 7 more days.

Our son is ADHD. We made the decision to stop his medication a few weeks ago because it's making him lethargic and decreasing his appetite too much, and he's tried too many so far to do so again with summer so close. He needs to be happy and gain some weight. His teacher didn't even know until last Monday. I just chose to tell her. I shouldn't have. He barked during class last Monday. He stopped when she asked him to, but she was upset because she had to ask him to stop. When she told me I wasn't so concerned, rather I was happy about it. He complied the first time he was told a directive by his teacher, that was massive improvement in his behavioral management to me. So I told her that he's not taking meds. She had a fit, demanded practically that we "think of something" because his grades suddenly were slipping and he had an end of year assessment that was apprently crucial to the success of first graders here (in Florida, we're not actually on Elm Street yet, that happens in two weeks time -- we're partially there lol) I relented to give him the pill again on the day of assessment only and explained that we were modifying his diet. Apparently that equates to the elimination diet in their eyes and that made me a supreme sinner for working on adding proteins, complex carbohydrates and Omega 3 fatty acids to his diet instead of removing all dyes and preservatives immediately from his diet. So the conversation was to tell me that he was too sleepy, pale, and lethargic Thursday (test day, the day he took that pill again) and that his diet was all wrong because on Tuesday I allowed him to take a lunchable meal to school and that I am a poor parent because I'm not trying another pill with 7 days left in the school year. I wasn't very nice in my response to her. I hung up on her too.

He came home with glowing green mark Friday afternoon. It is the best color mark a child can get for behavior. Does that mean I should lose my temper more often or that his teacher thinks he is still taking medicine that he only took on Thursday? Do you ever experience things like this as parents that are NOT educators? Was this isolated just because I AM a teacher too? I would love to know.....

A Wife's Biblical Submission

2009-05-21T09:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I decided to go ahead and start the assignments for "A Wife's Biblical Submission" today. My first assignment is to write about it on this blog and tell about myself, why I'm doing this study, etc. So here we go.

Hello, my name is Trixie, and I am a 42 year old Christian, wife, and mother. We have six children (and my wonderful daughter in law Jess age 19) ranging in ages from 26 to 7 years in age. Each one of our kids is uniquely special and talented in their own ways. We are truly blessed with our family. We also have two dogs, who although special, often find themselves at odds with me. This week they are having issues with rain and going potty outside (delicate sensibilities to getting their paws wet it seems). Our dalmation, Eve, is a neurotic, lovable, zany girl with a true love of life. She is very impulsive (think ADHD dalmation stoked on coffee maybe) but loves everyone with a passion. Hayleigh, our Jack Russell Terrier, is a zinging little coil of energy all the time. She is very good at wearing out the kids before bedtime. My husband is a wonderful provider in all ways. He works hard at his career, and works harder at his parenting and being a true, Godly husband. This is not a first marriage for either of us.....so I am exceptionally blessed that God brought me a man that has experienced similar issues to my own in trying to have a good life and a life partner. We are definitely soulmates, and for that I am thankful every single day of my life.

Why am I following this wife's biblical submission study? I think that all people are meant to be "perpetual learners." It is my job to be the best wife that I can be so that I can be a strong Christian, a supporter of my husband, and a model and guide for our children. It is also my responsibility to minister to our community as well. No one learns something once and masters it without diligence, practice, repetition. And, to be quite honest, if I was doing it all right the "first time around," then why am I going "around" again in another marriage? I feel that this study will draw me closer to God, closer to aligning with his plans for my life and how to use me as my husband's worthy partner in life, as well as helping me be the model and guide that my children need as they grow (or continue to grow) and develop.

How did I find it? I stumbled across it as I was perving through other blogs, reading women's thoughts and ideas they are sharing with others, and making that decision on whether or not I would actually start a blog myself (I have been toying around with the idea of a blog for well over a year now, and finally decided this week would be the week to do something about it and stop thinking about doing things "one of these days.")

So, a lot of typing to say that basically I want to make every effort to be the best that I can be in my new marriage. I spend a lot of time pondering whether I should actually take action, letting life pass me by. That will not happen again. I know that God means for me to take an active role in making myself the best possible person that I can be. This study will help me do just that. I will add the button this evening, as the power keeps blinking on and off at the moment, but I'm very excited to join others in this study.

God Bless you all!!

Trixie

Why Mastering Simplicity?

2009-05-20T10:20:00.000-04:00

"You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to
you. You have to go to them sometimes. " ~ Winnie the Pooh

Welcome to my corner of the forest. This blog is going to be about my journey through life as a Godly woman, wife, and mother. It is my venue to express my study, my journey, the ups and downs as I go through the transformation that is taking place and our life on Elm Street that is about to begin. Our journey is to make our newly blended family a strong one, living life on Elm Street as God intends, a simple life where our love, devotion, and joy can grow and blossom. It will be a blog about my journey to master the simple life, through my study of God, my submission to my husband, our management of our budget, our family, and our time, and hopefully making life more beautiful and rewarding in the process.

So, why would you bother reading this? It is my hope that readers can benefit from the ideas and information that I will be sharing through these posts. I hope too that my excitement and delight in living for God, my husband, and my family will appeal to others to do the same. Here are some of the topics that I will be writing about soon.

* Bible Study - I will be following "A Wife's Biblical Submission" study by Sunny over at this site. I say following because I have recently discovered it and have only read the welcome and introduction and begun assembling my "tools" needed for the study. I will be posting some thoughts and ideas as I progress through the study. If you haven't heard about it, I strongly suggest you go there and check it out. It is well organized and clearly written. I think all women could benefit from this study!!

* Kids and Family - My personal ministry first lies with them, and I will be writing tips about how we grow, learn, and deal with one another in our newly blended family as well as providing links for games, activities, etc. This will be writing about how to simplify family life and enjoy the best parts of things before they pass us by.

* Food and Entertaining - Cooking, recipes (and links), ideas and tips for entertaining, and how to make the food and entertainment simple and yet satisfying for family and friends.

* Home and Organization - Home management tips, planning tips, and general tips for making home life functional and happy.

* Teaching tips - Not just what I teach my children, but teaching and tips for any learners, from both a parent perspective as well as a professional educator's perspective. Again, done simply.

I hope you'll join me on this journey. Your comments, questions and suggestions are welcome here.